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| Photo Credit: https://evilportentsomens.blogspot.com/2017/04/evil-fat-monkey-portent-there-is-great.html |
2018 is going to be my year, the year I finally get my health back on track, or so I told myself as the clock struck midnight this past New Year's Eve. Yet, here we are, already a week into the fifth month of the year, and I am far behind in my weight loss goals. Not only have I failed to lose any weight, but I've actually gained five pounds! What the hell is this shit, am I right?! But no, I am most certainly not right, for I hadn't done a damn thing up to this point of the year to actually have lost any of this loathsome chub. I've continued to eat the same bullshit I always have and have neglected to move my ass vigorously enough to make any true progress via exercise. After all, how can you possibly progress in any aspect if you've yet to make any significant lifestyle changes? As said by Henry Ford, "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."
8 Reasons Why I Refuse to Continue Life as a Chunky Monkey
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1. I refuse to live a life where every day I dread looking at my body in a mirror. Everyone preaches that you have to love the skin you're in. While I agree that self love is of utmost importance, simply saying "you should love yourself" isn't going to make it happen overnight. I've spent nearly my entire life despising the extra weight I've been lugging around and knowing that I should love and appreciate my body for how it is, rather than hating it for everything it isn't, doesn't mean I can just snap my fingers and make it happen. There are plenty of plus size gals that love their size, and that's wonderful for them, kudos to those lovely ladies for being comfortable in their skin and loving how they look and feel. I would never want to take that away from anyone. However, I don't love MY size or how I look and feel and before I can truly start loving all of me and stop bashing my appearance every time I catch a glimpse of my reflection I am going to have to get some of this weight off.
2. I refuse to be afraid to ever show the love of my life my stomach because I'm afraid he'll think I look disgusting. First and foremost, I would like to point out that my man is phenomenal in every way, shape, and form. He loves all of me, including all of my wobbly bits. What I see as disgusting and frumpy, he sees as beautiful. He compliments me all the time and truly does make me feel beautiful. Now before a horde of feminists march in to condemn me for wanting to look good for my man, I want to be very clear that he has no problem with my weight and not only accepts me for how I am, but loves how I look. That being said, I do not love how I look with all this extra flubber, and my insecurities keep me from being as physically open with him as I'd like to be. I want to feel sexy in my skin and to radiate confidence when he sees all of me, not constantly worry that he will be grossed out by how I look. While he has never given any inclination that he'd have that reaction if I did expose my stomach to him, the crippling fear that he might (even though I know he never would) keeps me from doing so. It has nothing to do with him but so much to do with how I view myself and how insecure I sometimes feel. Losing weight won't completely resolve my self image issues, but it will certainly help.
3. I refuse to continue to feel sluggish all the time. We've all heard the saying, "you are what you eat." I'll be the first to admit that my diet is absolute crap. I have an affinity for sweets, carbs, and salty snacks, and it's pretty obvious if you take a quick glance at my waistline. I've always wanted to be healthier, but, thus far, I've continued to eat the same crap, so, naturally, I've continued to have the same fat. As much as it will break my fatty little heart, the bad food has got to go. Starting today, carbs, sweets, and excessively salty foods are out and fruits and veggies are in. It's time to stop shoveling shitty, processed food down my pie hole and to fill my belly with food that will nourish me with proper nutrients.
4. I refuse to be unable to perform simple tasks. I should be able to run up and down a flight of stairs without getting winded. I shouldn't dread going to an amusement park with my family because I know it'll require a lot of walking. I should be able to keep up with my kids when they're running around at the park. While it's no secret that they could out run me any day of the week, I should at least be able to catch up with them without having to flop on the ground and roll around because my fat is on fire. Don't get me wrong, I can keep up with them for the most part now, but that won't be the case if I continue to lead this unhealthy lifestyle.
5. I refuse to teach my kids to have an unhealthy relationship with food. Before I started dating my honey bunch, I only had to live for me. Once I began my life with Jason, my life was no longer just about me. Not only was I living for myself and for him, but I was now also living for two tiny humans, as along with him came two wonderful children who I love as if they were my own. Having two sets of tiny eyeballs on me has certainly changed the way I do things. When it was just me, it didn't matter what I did or said, because no one was around to mimic me or learn from me. Sure, I should have been exercising and eating better for my health on my own accord, but the fact was that I didn't.
Now that I am a major influence on a handsome man and two extraordinary kids, my life is no longer lived for just me, but for my family. I don't want them to see me shoving my face full of terrible food and have them thinking it's okay to eat that crap. I don't want them to catch me crying about how guilty I feel for eating that piece of pizza or skipping an exercise that I desperately needed to do. I don't want them to know about the insecurities I have about my own body and lead them to wonder if there's anything wrong with theirs. I've made sure to never bash myself in front of them because I don't want to instill the idea of insecurities in their minds and have them questioning their own selves. They don't see me as the fat piece of shit that I oftentimes see myself. They see and treat me as someone they love dearly, they don't see all of the things that are "wrong" with me the way that I do. With them, I am the best version of myself I have ever been and I want to continue to be better, not just for me, but for them.
6. I refuse to be discouraged every time I'm shopping for clothes. If you're a bigger chick, you know that clothes shopping can be a nightmare. If it's cute, it usually doesn't fit right. If it fits right, chances are that it isn't cute. Plus size fashion has come a long way in the past few years and certain clothing lines are finally starting to get it right by creating fashionable options that look and feel good on ANY body. However, I want to be able to walk into any store with confidence that, while I might not find something I like, I can find something that will fit. Shopping with skinny friends in the past and having to answer awkward questions about why I wasn't looking at anything other than shoes (because the shoes in the straight sized stores were the only thing that would fit me) was not a fun experience. I want the liberty of shopping wherever I want and if those stores don't have items that will fit me then it's up to me to be able to fit into them if that's what I want to wear.
7. I refuse to feel guilty about my eating habits any longer. Up until this beginning of my weight loss journey, I've felt incredibly guilty about the way I eat, and for good reason. As previously mentioned, my diet was crap. I don't want to feel badly about eating something I know I shouldn't be eating, because honestly, mentally beating myself up about it was even worse than having the extra weight. Weight loss isn't only a physical battle, but also a mental battle, and constantly feeling awful about myself for my eating habits has been tearing me up inside. So, what's the best way to kill the guilt? Stop eating shit that makes me feel guilty.
8. I refuse to feel inconvenient or excluded. As a fat person, there have been many times I've avoided something due to my weight. If an amusement park ride or water slide had a weight limit, there was no way in hell I was attempting it. Even if I weighed less than the weight limit, I had no desire to ride the damn thing because of the sheer embarrassment of needing to be weighed for it or having someone looking at me and judging my appearance because it's their job to decide if I look too fat for it or not. If I wanted to sit down somewhere but a seat looked a bit on the smaller side I would opt to stand rather than to try to squeeze into it because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone who dared sit next to me because I was worried my fat would topple over the sides and into their space. So many times in my life I felt like my weight not only inconvenienced me, but also those around me. This is not at all a complaint about the world not being built to accommodate bigger folk, because, while that may be true in some aspects, I don't feel that it's the world's job to accommodate me. If there's something I want to do, how dare I have the audacity to be upset if I'm too big to do it? That's no one's fault but my own. Weight limits aren't created to exclude people, they are in place for safety purposes. I understand that. So if I want to do these things I've been held back from due to my weight, what should I do? Lose the damn weight.
I could go on and on with reasons why I don't want to live a fat life anymore, but this blog post is already considerably lengthy and I don't want to bore you to tears. If you like what I've written so far, I hope you'll stay tuned for my future posts which will be centered around the weight loss journey. We may already be over five months in, but, damn it, 2018 is going to be my year. ❤
~The Goddess of Gluttony
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